Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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