A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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