I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
