You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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