between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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