is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
