i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
