why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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