I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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