I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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