i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
