Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
