Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
