Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
