He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
