Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
