There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
