i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
