Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
