I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
false alarm. still invincible.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
