evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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