I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
