You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
