Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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