I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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