Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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