Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
