he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
sex in a hospital.. check
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
