i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
