dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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