At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize