"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The beer is more important than you right now.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
