You just made me feel so damn special
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
