I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
