I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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