There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
