I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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