Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
