I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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