he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm at about main and main street
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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