Cold hands, warm shart.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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