i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
