Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize