I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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