hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize