OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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