dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How does one acquire holy water?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize