cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
