nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
