I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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