Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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