how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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