I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
