She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
