Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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