clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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