i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
