i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
