Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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