it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
