that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
