The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
