haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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