i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
