i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
