just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
