all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Blood and glitter go together right?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
