Apparently you make a good broom.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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