I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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